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ACT ONE
FADE IN:
1. INT. EDDIE MARTINEZ’
OFFICE, MORNING.
SFX PHONE RINGING.
CU ED'S HAND ANSWERING PHONE.
ED
Yes?
KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
You've
got two calls on the line,
Mr. Martinez.
ED
Kari,
you know I don't take calls
before ten AM.
KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
I
think they're important, sir.
ED
Who
are they?
KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
A
Mr. Hiroshima from Sunspot
Distribution in Japan-
ED
Hiroshi,
Kari. It's Hee-roe-shee.
KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
Yes
, sir. He's at the hotel, sir.
ED
Who's
the other person?
KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
You're
wife, sir.
ED
Oh,
Cleo-
KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
You're
ex-wife, sir.
ED
Oh.
(pause)
Tell
her-
KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
She
says it's urgent, sir.
ED
It
always is.
KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (V.O.0
How's
that, sir?
ED
Never
mind. Patch her through.
Tell Hiroshi-san that I'll have
drinks with him at two this
afternoon.
KARI THE RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
I
thought it was Hiroshi, sir.
ED
It
is.
SPLIT
SCREEN, JOEY & ED'S
CONVERSATION.
JOEY
Ed?
ED
Joey?
Look, I'm really busy.
JOEY
It's
Luke. He's been saying that
he's adopted again.
ED
Oh,
boy.
JOEY
Maybe
you could talk to him.
ED
At
least.
JOEY
So.
How are things?
ED
Oh,
not bad, not bad. How're
things with you?
JOEY
Great.
Busy, you know, with the
holidays and all. Except for that
cancellation
tonight on the banquet room. I'm sort of glad, though. We could use a
break.
ED
That's
great. Look, Joey, I really
do have
to get back to work. A client's waiting for me.
JOEY
Okay,
Ed.
ED
I'll
come by before Christmas and
see Lucas,
okay?
JOEY
That
would be great, Ed. Give my
best to Chloe.
ED
Cleo.
It's Cleo.
JOEY
Cleo.
Riiight.
It was good to talk to you, Ed.
ED
PAUSES AND THEN HITS A BUTTON
ON HIS SPEAKER
PHONE.
ED
Kari,
get Hiroshi-san on the phone
again. Tell
him I’ll meet him for drinks now.
CUT
TO:
TITLE SEQUENCE
dissolve to:
2.
INT. LOBBY, "HEPKAT RECORDS".
SKY AND SARAH ARE DISCOVERED. SHE
SITS BEHIND
THE DESK AS HE SITS ON IT.
SARAH
So
do you have another hot date
for Christmas this year, Sky?
SKY
Naw,
I'll probably wait for Santa
to pass me by again this year.
SARAH
Come
on, you haven't been that
naughty this
year, have you?
SKY
If
I'd been naughty enough, I'd
have a hot date.
SARAH
Well,
what about your family?
SKY
They're
all back east.
SARAH
Well,
why don't you come over to
my-
ENTER
ED AND HIROSHI, BOISTEROUS
AND LAUGHING.
HIROSHI
--down
to the wharf-ah, ha ha ha ha
ha ha! Very funny!
ED
Hiroshi-San,
I'd like you to meet
Sky Davis, our newest agent here
at Hepkat. He handles all the new
talent that comes through our
doors.
HIROSHI
An
honour to meet you.
SKY
I've
heard a lot about you, Mr.
Hir-
HIROSHI
And,
who is this?
ED
Oh,
this is Sarah Leigh, Sky's
assistant.
HIROSHI
What
a tasty morsel. Will Miss
Sarah Leigh be my hostess for the
duration of my trip?
ED
Hmm?
Oh. I'm sure that can be
arranged, Hiroshi-San.
HIROSHI
Good.
I would hate to go "stag"
to tonight's party.
SARAH
Party?
ED
Party?
HIROSHI
In
my country, it is custom to
throw a party the night that a
visiting business associate
arrives.
ED
Oh,
yes! Our. office Christmas
party is tonight!
SARAH
It
is?
SKY
Tonight?
How come I didn't hear
about it?
ED
Maybe
it was in one of those
office memos you never read.
HIROSHI
Ah,
I have heard so much about
American office Christmas parties
that I am looking forward to yours
tonight.
ED
(aside
to Sarah)
Sarah,
get the Parker Hotel on the
phone and
have them page my ex-wife Joey. Pronto.
ENTER
GABRIEL. SARAH DIALS THE
PHONE.
ED
Hiroshi-san,
I'd like you to meet
one of our
top talents, Gabriel Gold.
GABRIEL
(Bowing
too deeply)
Ah,
Mr. Hiroshi-Sama! Welcome to
America! You
know, I toured Japan once-
HIROSHI
Perhaps
you speak Japanese?
SARAH
HANDS THE PHONE TO ED.
GABRIEL
Uh.
Hai!! I just love karaoke.
HIROSHI
I'd
love to hear you.
GABRIEL
PUFFS HIMSELF UP TO START
SINGING.
SKY
I
think he means your studio tape,
Gabe.
ED
Okay,
it's all set! I mean, I was
just calling to confirm our
reservation for the party tonight.
GABRIEL
Party?
ED
The
annual office Christmas party.
Did you forget about it?
GABRIEL
I
must have!
SKY
We
all must have. Collective
amnesia or something.
ED
Sarah
will make sure everyone
gets instructions.
SARAH
I'll
go make copies now.
SKY
I
can do that for you.
HE
EXITS.
ED
The
party's being held at a quaint
little inn called the Parker
Hotel.
ENTER
FLASH AND EVERY SEASON.
FLASH
The
Parker Hotel? Isn't that
place haunted?
ED
Haunted?
FLASH
Yeah,
by your ex-wife.
ED
Hiroshi-San,
this is Flash Norton,
one of our top agents.
FLASH
Ah,
Hiroshi-San.
(bowing appropriately)
Hajimemashite,
Hiroshi-San.Flash-u
to moshimasu.
Dozoyoroshiku.
HIROSHI
Oaidekite
ureshii desu.
FLASH
"Every
Season" desu. Kochira wa
Ireland desu.
HIROSHI
Ah,
Ireland. Very beautiful.
SUMMER
Yes,
how fondly we remember the
green, green grass of home.
AUTUMN
Yes,
from hill to hill.
ED
Great.
Well, Hiroshi-San and I
have reservations at Ginger, so
we'd better be going. Flash, why
don't you and Every Season join
us?
FLASH
Sure,
why not?
GABRIEL
Hey,
mind if I tag along with you,
Eddie-buddy? I'm sure Mr. Hiroshi
would love to hear some of my
touring stories.
HIROSHI
Sarah
Leigh, she is not coming?
ED
She'll
see you tonight at the
party, Hiroshi-San.
HIROSHI
I'll
save a special glass of
champagne for you, my little
cupcake.
ED
We'd
better be going. We don't
want to be late.
ALL
EXCEPT SARAH EXIT.
RE-ENTER SKY.
SKY
Where'd
everyone go?
SARAH
Mr.
Martinez took them all out to
lunch.
SKY
Why
didn't he ask me to go?
SARAH
Maybe
it was in one of those memos
you don't read.
SKY
Where's
Gabriel?
SARAH
He
went with Mr. Martinez and the
others.
SKY
Even
Gabriel?? Well, here are the
directions to the Parker Hotel
tonight. I wonder why we're
having the party there.
SARAH
Mr.
Martinez wanted to impress Mr.
Hiroshi?
SKY
I
thought the place was condemned.
SARAH
Come
on, it'll be fun.
SKY
Fun.
Yeah.
SARAH
Look
at it this way. You didn't
have anything to do for the
holidays. Now, you do.
SKY
Are
there any other options?
SARAH
Yes.
Sitting home with Marie
Callendar and a can of beer.
SKY
Sounds
pretty good, actually.
SARAH
And
not helping your boss land the
deal of the century with Sunspot
Distribution in Japan.
SKY
That
doesn't sound so good
actually.
SARAH
Happy
holidays.
fade to:
- INT. BANQUET ROOM AT THE PARKER
HOTEL LATER
THAT EVENING
JOEY
AND IVY ARE DISCOVERED.
JOEY
I
know this is short notice, but
everything's
got to be perfect tonight, Ivy.
IVY
You
got it, Joey.
JOEY
This
is the first time that Ed has
turned to me for anything since
the divorce. I
want to show him that I've made it on my own.
IVY
I
think any man could see that,
Joey.
JOEY
Not
this man. He only sees what
he wants to see. I don't even
think he noticed I was gone for
two weeks after I left him.
IVY
Really?
JOEY
Yeah.
Of course, he had something
in his eye at the time.
IVY
What?
JOEY
A
super model.
ENTER
LUKE, 13 YEARS OLD AND A
PUNK.
LUKE
Hey,
Mom. What's goin' on?
JOEY
We're
busy getting ready for a
party tonight.
LUKE
I
thought you said that we were
going to see "Last Battle" tonight!
JOEY
Well,
this office party came up at
the last minute.
LUKE
Something's
always getting in the
way "at the last minute." I'm
going to go live with Dad.
JOEY
Great,
you can ask him tonight.
LUKE
Tonight?
JOEY
Yes,
we're getting ready for your
dad's office Christmas party.
LUKE
All
right! Will Cleo be here??
JOEY
I
don't know. I didn't even think
about that. I guess so.
IVY
Cleo?
LUKE
Dad's
wife. She's hot!
IVY
Nice
way to talk in front of your
mother.
JOEY
Why
don't you go get cleaned up
and then maybe, just maybe, your
dad will let you come to the
party, too.
LUKE
Cool.
Do you think I have enough
time to dye my hair blue?
EXIT
LUKE.
JOEY
(calling
after him)
No!
(beat)
I
don't know what I'm going to do
with him.
IVY
Maybe
you should let Ed take Luke
for a while.
JOEY
And
let him get lost in the cracks
even more than he already has?
(MORE)
FROM
OFFSTAGE, SOMEWHERE IN THE
WALLS, COMES
THE LOUD PINGING OF OLD FASHIONED WATER HEATER PIPES.
JOEY (cont'd)
Oh,
there goes that water heater
again. It’s
gotta hold out tonight. I better check on it, Ivy. I’ll be
back later.
IVY
Okay.
JOEY
EXITS, WRINGING HER HANDS.
ENTER ROMAN THE CRAZED RUMANIAN
CHEF AND
MORTIMER THE BUSBOY.
ROMAN GESTURES WILDLY WITH A
WOODEN SPOON.
ROMAN
Il
boyu im soiz du Vischy! Vash tu
meroni!
Vash tu meroni!
IVY
Slow
down, Roman. Slow down!
ROMAN
Vash
tu meroni!
JOEY
What's
he saying?
MORTIMER
I
don't know. I think it's
something about the soup.
ROMAN
Vash
tu meroni! Il boyu meshed mit
de Vichyssoises!
IVY
Look,
if the there's something
wrong with the Vishysoisse, then
we'll serve something else.
ROMAN
GESTURES WILDLY FOR IVY TO
FOLLOW HIM
TO THE
KITCHEN. HE SWINGS OPEN THE
KITCHEN DOOR.
IVY'S EYES
GO WIDE AS THE SOUND OF VOMITING
CAN BE
HEARD FROM THE
KITCHEN.
IVY
Oh
my gawd! What happened!
MORTIMER
All
the waiters got sick.
ROMAN
Vash
tu meroni!
HE
EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN.
ENTER JUSTIN, IVY'S CAR MECHANIC
BOYFRIEND.
JUSTIN
Hi,
Ivy. I brought you something.
IVY
Justin!
Not now!
JUSTIN
See,
it's a little bear with
mistletoe. Isn't he cute?
IVY
Justin,
he's great, but right now
I've got a banquet in half an hour
and all of my wait staff as just
come down with Charles de Gaulle's
Revenge!
JUSTIN
I
don't know what that is, but if
you need some help....
IVY
No,
you'd just get in the way!
Oh...wait a
minute. Here, put this on.
JUSTIN
What
is this?
IVY
An
apron.
JUSTIN
But
I'm a car mechanic, not
a waiter!
IVY
(Pushing
Justin and Mortimer
through the kitchen
door.)
Mortimer
will show you what to do!
(Calling after them)
And
don't eat the soup!!!
END OF
ACT
ONE
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